Welcome back to TV's most talked about talkshow,
What's On Your Mind. And heeere's Umberto!
Why Men Are Jerks? Okay, we're back.
So tell us, Rochelle Carney,
why are men jerks? Do you think that I,
Umberto Ortega, am a jerk?
Well, we'll have to have your audience to answer that one, Umberto.
My experience is with the corporate jerks.
It's all in my book, every disgusting detail.
Okay, let's ask Sis Finsterrel, she's the president of WOMB,
that's Women for the Overflow of...
Women for the Overthrow of Male Bastions.
Yeah, right.
Okay, you just issued a report citing gross sexist practices at Omni-Consumer Products.
That's illegal pay, harassment, all that sort of jazz, you know.
- In fact, Alberto, we... - Umberto, Umberto.
Whatever.
We documented 32 cases of sexual harassment last year alone.
Lies, all lies. And I, for one, am not a jerk.
- Aubrey, you're letting the side down! - The demonstrators are back, Mr. Chairman.
Thank you, Queensburry.
- Proceed as usual. - Love their jobs!
I worked my derriere off for OCP media... excuse my French.
I produced one of the biggest hits they ever had.
Inside Crime, I'm sure you all remember it.
And what things did I get? They tossed me away like a used tissue.
Because you conspired with criminals, to fix the shows, um...
Aubrey Fox was my boss. And ladies, I can assure you:
It wasn't my job performance he was interested in.
I...
I've always had the utmost respect for OCP's fine female employees.
And how do you spell "respect", Aubrey?
S-E-X?
Damn it, we've got to stand up to these... women!
OCP - not for me! OCP - not for me!
Steady on, Queensburry.
We are... not intimidated.
No violence, no harassment!
Remember what we stand for!
All clear ahead, sir.
Well, I think we showed them something.
- This is it, girls! - Battle stations!
- Let's go! - Come on!
We caught you now! Rad fems, go!
- Battle stations, Queensburry! - Yes, sir!
How's business, creep?
Stop this! No, girls, stop this!
No violence! Stop! Damn it!
Get outta there, sir! Save yourself!
Young lady, slow down!
You stop that! You let him go!
- You know what, I think yellow is your color. - Why don't we accessorize?
Hey, hey!
Robocop!
Hold still, creep!
Ladies, drop your weapons.
Well, lookie here: A man chauvinist machine!
- I said, drop your weapons. - Be careful, they're animals!
- I do not wish to harm you. - Oh no, no, of course not!
- We're too weak and helpless to that. - Right, Robopig?
You are under arrest!
Police brutality!
Civilization as we know it
is at an end.
Police brutality!
Go ahead and shock the flatline, then let's quit.
Okay, everybody clear!
Officer Alex Murphy shot to death in a line of duty.
Legally he's dead. We can pretty much do what we want.
There's a new guy in town. His name's Robocop.
Murphy, it is you.
Give us three minutes, and we'll give you the world.
This is Media-Break with Bo Harlan and Rocky Crenshaw.
Our top stories: Italian government falls after 10 minutes in office.
New language laws in France: Speak English, go to jail.
And locally, the takeover bid for Omni-Consumer Products
by rival Vetrocomp Industries moves ahead.
That's right, Rocky, a vote by OCP's board of directors in 2 days time
looks like a photo-finish, and Vetrocomp CEO Harold Hammersmith
is confident.
I sat in OCP's board for 5 years.
I am sure its members will see things our way.
Meanwhile, Bo, responding to the WOMB report on sexual oppression at OCP
thousands of women are picketing stores where OCP products are sold.
Vandalism, looting and random muggings of male executives have been reported.
- Troubling times, Rocky. - For some, perhaps.
You're late.
Nice to see you, too, sweetheart.
My name is Miss Carney, and I happen to be a role model for downtrodden women everywhere.
So I'll thank you to show a little respect, Mr. Chayken.
Why don't you just call me Chip? Hey, no offense.
I have nothing but respect, after all,
bestsellers don't grow on trees, you know.
Spare me your sarcasm, Mr. Chayken. My public happens to need me.
We have a bond, something you obviously wouldn't understand.
Oh, but I would. You see, you and I have a bond too.
We've both been victimized by OCP!
I certainly have.
You're a fascinating woman, Miss Carney.
I watched you on TV and I loved your... tender.
When you called, you mentioned a certain figure.
It began with a "B".
A billion dollars? Was that the one?
Just out of curiosity: How?
That's really very simple.
I've set some things into motion, which promised to be...
promising.
Such as?
Extortion, embezzlement, kidnapping, murder.
Some very interesting things. But the best part is...
we're gonna get away with it.
And you expect me to take part in such a horrible scheme?
What must you think of me?
Like I said, you... are...
I know... fascinating.
But before you find out just how fascinating...
why don't you warm me up with a few details...
Chip?
Women, huh? Amazing.
I arrested two of them for defacing police property.
- Me. - Well, they took advantage of your programming.
I cannot use physical force against a woman.
And that's just what they were counting on. Believe me, women can be very cunning.
Really? Do tell us about it, Charlie!
Well... look what's happening out there.
Women are parading around, smashing things, picketing OCP.
Well, maybe they're upset about the way OCP does business, and maybe they're right, did you ever think about that?
- Are you defending them? - Are you defending OCP?
Well, I work for OCP. And so do you.
- Oh, my company right-or-wrong, is that it? - No, no, of course not.
But... yes, yes, why not? Those women are dangerous.
Anyone can be dangerous...
when provoked.
Amen to that.
Damn this thing!
Game?
The vote is in 36 hours.
- Shouldn't you be out there doing something? - Come on, Hammersmith, relax!
We'll cruise them.
By the way, have your pals on the board fallen into line?
Oh, that dirt you've dug up on them, what choice do they have?
Good.
Excuse me.
Yep, I've got dirt on just about everybody.
Absolutely everybody.
But, once I'm VP R&D of the new OCP Vetrocomp,
we can put all that stuff behind us. Yes?
Don't threaten me, Chayken.
Threaten? Oh, Harold, I don't threaten. I'm a business man.
- I leverage. - Call it what you want,
there's still the chairman and there's 51%.
Leave the chairman to me.
- As I told you... - You didn't tell me anything!
Whatever you do, it's none of my business.
- You got that? - Loud and clear, Harold.
You're a guest in this house, Chayken,
but I'd appreciate it if you go easy on my private stock.
That layered Glen Gully you're guzzling happens to be a 100 years old.
Really?
Tastes fine to me.
We've got pickets at over a dozen...
You're gonna have to be security-conscious.
We cannot have our rallies taken over by the rad fems, it destroys all the good work we're doing, okay?
Rochelle Carney, right?
I saw you in Umberto with Sis Finsterrel.
You really put that little OCP termite in its place.
Thank you, somebody had to.
- Um... - I'm Nancy Murphy, I'm recording secretary of WOMB.
Oh, nice to meet you. I really admire what you do.
You know, my heart breaks when I think of all those other women being victimized at OCP.
- Sis'll be back soon, if you want to wait. - Yes.
Perhaps I'll chat with the other sisters.
Those two, where have I seen them before?
Probably on the news, that's Willa Sweet and her friend.
They're the ones who attacked the chairman of OCP.
We just bailed them out.
They're rad fems and we don't approve of their tactics, but we're all in this together.
Well put and so true.
Excuse me, won't you?
Well, just in time. Come in.
Come in.
Willa, Punk, I'd like you to say hello...
to Cha-Cha.
We, in corporate America, have a responsibility
to stand up to those who would radicalize... Radicalize?
- Radicalize. - Our nation or destroy our way of life.
That's very moving, sir.
- Oh, you wrote it, Aubrey. - You inspired me, chief.
Mr. Chairman, there's some ladies here from WOMB to see you.
- What? - They say they have an appointment.
They have no such thing. Get rid of them. Call security if you have to!
If I may suggest, this might be a good time to try the 10% thing.
Yes, you're right.
Wait a minute. Show the ladies in.
- I'll handle this. - Of course.
Ladies!
- Well, thank you so much for seeing us. - Not at all,
WOMB is always welcome here. Sit down, please.
Aubrey, would you tell my secr... executive assistant
that she won't be needed any more tonight.
- A boss who cares. - At least I try.
I must say,
you ladies look familiar.
- Have we met somewhere? - I don't think so, no.
In any case,
I'm glad you've come by. I have some ideas I'd like to share.
Really? Oh, that's great because
we have some ideas that we'd like to... share with you.
- What's going on? - Shut up!
Mr. Chairman, you have exactly 60 seconds
to change.
Hey guys, we just got a message on the comm net the chairman... he's been kidnapped.
- Signed "A woman's work is never done." - What did I tell you?
I thought it was a hoax but I tried to call OCP, their lines are down.
Sounds like trouble.
Make yourself comfortable!
Yeah, save your energy. You'll need it.
- What's going to happen? - It's very simple, Mr. Chairman.
We are going to do to you what you've been doing to us since the beginning of time.
Now you're talking!
Oh yes!
- Chip Chayken? - Hey babe, how's tricks?
Where's the chairman? What have you done?
Oh, is that a new way to greet your old boss?
After all, I made you what you are today.
- Yeah, after you and Dr. Mallardo murdered me. - Honey, we only did it for your brain.
At least we took you seriously.
It was either that or the typing pool, doll, I'd say we did you a favor.
- Aren't you supposed to be in prison? - Early release.
Good behavior.
I've been returned to society. To do what I do best.
Yeah, for about 10 seconds, dirtbag.
Or is it... Miss Dirtbag?
Yeah, very cute, Diana. Oh, by the way, how are you feeling right now?
- A tad listless, maybe? - What do you mean?
I hate to do it to you, kid, but you're the last line of security here.
One of us has got to go.
It's a virus, kid. A new strain.
Much more refined, no power loss, no Neurobrain drain. Just...
aloha, Diana!
What you're feeling right now is a nice comfortable coma coming on.
And then, in about 23 hours and 56 minutes,
- you'll croak. - You slimy corporate creep!
You murderer!
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Come on, baby, do it for daddy!
Yes!
- Don't shoot, I'm harmless! - Where is the chairman?
The chairman? What happened to the chairman?
Robo, in here!
And as a representative of WOMB, I'm delivering the following statement.
The chairman of OCP has been kidnapped.
He'll remain our hostage until he agrees to all WOMB demands
and equal rights to female employees.
We are serious. He does not do what is just and fair,
he'll suffer the consequences. All for now.
The one from TV...
- What's her name? - Willa Sweet.
Blond and a red-haired, young, attractive, big...
smiles.
They've found curled synthetic hairs. Blond and red. Wigs.
- Naturally. - But no prints.
They were wearing white gloves. I remember that.
There is facepowder on the keyboard.
They have accessed the computer.
I will analyze this.
My God. This could be the end of OCP!
- What are you talking about? - The Vetrocomp board is tomorrow 2 o'clock.
The chairman isn't here, he shares a proxy among the other board members.
That means that Harold Hammersmith wins.
The chairman will be here.
Add a tablespoon of flour!
- A tablespoon? - The big one.
I remember, I remember.
- A level tablespoon! - Come on, I want my breakfast!
Then why don't you use an OCP breakfast mix?
- I mean, they're tasty and they're trouble-free! - We don't eat OCP garbage!
We're showing you how your female slaves have to live.
That's right, and we're just getting started.
- We've got washing, ironing... - Mending... dusting...
- sweeping... polishing... - cleaning... scouring...
- and a toilet bowl... - that needs scrubbing! Real bad!
The tape was on every station last night, did you see it?
Rochelle Carney!
- You took off the blindfold? - He was making a mess!
I am shocked, Rochelle! How could you be a party to a thing like this?
Read my book, Mr. Chairman!
Perhaps you understand what sisterhood is all about.
- Sisterhood? - You heard the lady, now get back to work!
Yeah, where's my breakfast?
Clean it up.
- Allow me. - What the hell?
Sorry, Harold, didn't mean to scare you. The door was open.
What have you... done... about...
The chairman?
Harry, you've gotta start watching more TV.
Seems a couple of rad fems
were so offended by his sexist attitude last night
- that they removed him from office. - Don't!
Don't tell me any more!
- My hands are clean, remember that, Chayken! - Of course they are, Harold.
So are mine.
In fact, this one, I believe, we can blame entirely on the ladies.
Diana!
What is the problem with Neurobrain?
Problem? None that I know of.
- Are you certain? - Yeah.
Why?
I need to have this disk analyzed.
Sure, I'll get right on it.
I love you very much.
The kidnapping of the chairman of OCP
is the work of rad fem minority led by Willa Sweet.
It in no way represents the policies or goals of WOMB.
We do not believe in using violence to achieve the equality for women.
The bag is full.
Then empty it.
Go ahead, do your worst!
You've abused me, you've humiliated me, you've made me do housework...
- How much do you think a man can take? - Sisters,
you know, it's really quite a shame but the chairman just doesn't seem to get it.
- No, but he's gonna get it, aren't you? - Real soon!
Chip!
Hey, how's it going, baby?
These people are driving me up the wall.
I know what you mean, dumpling.
Willa and Punk aren't exactly my cup of camomile either.
On the other hand...
What is that, Chip?
The chairman's stock portfolio, you've got it?
All I have to do now is make the adjustments
like transferring half of his holdings into our secret account
and then backdating the transactions to make them...
undetectable.
- Have you worked that out? - No, but I will.
With the codes I can access the entire OCP system from here.
Harold'll be so busy doing his victory dance he won't even notice.
But he will notice that the company that he's taking over
is worth only half of what he thought it was.
Who cares?
He can't incriminate us without incriminating himself.
He's in this thing up to his monogrammed cummerbund.
Anyway...
you and I will be basking on the Swiss riviera...
- with... you know what? - Say it, Chip!
- Say it! - What's that, baby?
For God's sake, you know!
The B-word.
Are you referring to...
a billion?
- As in a billion big ones? - Oh God!
- One more time. - No-no-no!
All right, honey.
I'll save it for a hot moonlit night in... Zurich.
Oh Chip, please, no more!
There is a slight problem.
Yeah, what's that?
- The chairman saw me. - He did?
Well, I guess we'll just have to let our little sisters... deal with the chairman.
Yes, I did see Willa Sweet yesterday.
She was with that author, Rochelle Carney.
That's Pudface Morgan's pal, she's the one who was fired for being behind the Inside Crime scandal.
The woman with a grievance against OCP.
When she left the WOMB office, she was with Willa and her friend,
Punk I think they call her.
And you yourself are an official of WOMB?
- Yes, I am but... - Why?
Why? Because I believe in the cause.
When my husband was killed, I realized how unprepared I was to take care of myself.
I was depending on him for everything.
It wasn't his fault, it was mine.
But now he's gone, and here I am, not qualified to do much of anything.
Except help other women avoid making the same mistake.
And, speaking of which, I have a seminar in an hour so...
is there anything else I can help you with?
Thank you for your cooperation.
Welcome.
- See you. - See you.
I don't understand.
- I thought that... - You thought you were a loving husband
doing everything you could to provide for your family. And you were.
You heard what she said, it wasn't your fault.
Be proud of her, Murphy, it's a bit tough but she's making the best of things,
you left her in a position to do that. That's your real legacy.
Thank you, Madigan.
- I appreciate that. - What are friends for, right?
What do you say we check Miss Rochelle Carney?
There's something I must do first.
Okay.
Keep in touch, all right? I've got a feeling this 2-o'clock meeting is the key to this
and the clock is ticking.
I'll let you know what I find out.
- Have you analyzed the disk? - Not yet.
- It's like nothing I've ever seen. - Could it be a virus?
Well, if it is, what's it virusing? You asked about Neurobrain
and there are no problems anywhere, I checked.
Unless it's something specific to the chairman's system.
- I'll keep on it. - Thank you, Charlie.
Diana! Where are you?
Harold Hammersmith, I knew it.
- How clever you are. - Search warrant.
But then again, girls are more clever than boys,
as all our reputable surveys show. It's in my book.
- I'll have to read it. - I'll help you get the chance.
It's so good to see you again, Lisa.
Why don't you help me with my bags?
You see, it's a virus, kid.
Much more refined, no power loss, no Neurobrain drain. Just...
aloha, Diana.
Diana? Can you hear me?
Diana?
- Alex, wow! What was that? - A new strain of virus.
- Chayken. - Right.
Chip Chayken. That creep tried to kill me.
And he almost did, again!
- How did you find out? - The chairman has a security camera.
- Did you know that? - Of course.
He has no secrets from me. Who does?
What are you up to now, Chayken?
Nothing, Harold, just tidying up my data files.
I'm workaholic, you know.
Alcoholic is more like it.
I just opened up another one.
Just a couple more hours now, and OCP is all ours.
I mean, all yours.
Careful, Chayken,
don't be getting any delusions of grandeur.
Perish the thought, Harry! I wouldn't dream of it.
Caviar?
- Wake up, sisters! - Detective Madigan...
- Mr. Chairman, are you all right? - Yes, I suppose so.
- What is this? - A cop?
Exactly, a defender of the status quo.
A traitor to her own sex.
A woman who sold out to the male establishment for the price of a badge
- and a gun. - You guys don't actually believe this crap, do you?
This woman does not care about you or the cause or anything but herself.
She's using you guys, she's getting ready to take off, she's got her bags packed in the car!
Yes, they are, packed with books and pamphlets
so we can spread the word of our struggle to all the unenlightened masses everywhere.
Don't listen to her, girls.
- Oh, don't worry! - We aren't that stupid.
We hate traitors.
I deplore the kidnapping of the chairman of OCP.
I really do. But... life goes on.
As we used to say at the Harvard business school,
business is bigger than any individual business man... um, person.
That's why for the good of OCP and of the nation itself
today's board of directors' meeting must proceed as scheduled at 2 o'clock.
Thank you, that's all.
Are you certain Chip Chayken is in there?
That's where his v-phone calls are coming from.
And who is more to gain from the chairman's kidnapping than Harold Hammersmith?
- Rochelle Carney. - The feminist?
The opportunist.
You know what's worse than being called a traitor to my own sex?
Being tied up with a pig like you.
What? What are you saying?
Rad fems are right, OCP is the most sexist corporation in America.
You deserve what's coming to you. Me, what, I was just doing my job!
No one forced you to be a cop.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a cop, but working for jerks like this is the problem.
Detective Madigan, I can hardly believe it!
Really? Then believe this!
- Detective, have you lost your mind? - I'll save the world from a sexist pig like you!
Now!
Oh no, you don't!
Get up, Mr. Chairman!
Look out!
Get off him!
Careful, you're breaking my... (tubes?)
- Where are the keys? Say, where are they? - In my pocket.
- Careful, it tickles! - Nothing personal.
What? So it's my fault?
- Chairman, I believe you have a meeting to attend. - Yes, I believe I do.
Sit still!
Harold Hammersmith!
Who?
I have reason to believe Chip Chayken is in this house.
Who?
If you insist I will obtain a warrant but you must stay here.
- But I've got a board meeting! - Chip, outside!
For an old buffoon Harold has pretty good taste in jackets, what do you think?
- Robocop's here! - That's too bad.
All right, Chayken's here.
He had no place to stay, I did him a favor.
Just too big-hearted for my own good.
He is implicated in kidnapping of the chairman of OCP.
You can't pin that on me! My hands are clean!
I like the chairman!
I really do!
What are you stopping for? Flatten that freak!
Don't give me orders, Chip! I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions.
Yes! We did it!
We bounced that bag of bolts from here to Helsinki Hall!
Oh baby, you are the greatest!
You should know by now, Chip, I'm a resourceful woman.
God!
What happened? Who did that?
You are under arrest. Get out of the car.
- Put your hands in the air. - How, like this?
Don't move or she gets it!
- Chip, wait, wait! What are you doing? - I'm a resourceful guy, babe.
- Back off, or she's toast! - He means it, he's a classic woman-hater!
- Then why are you with him? - Obviously, I'm a classic victim!
Save it for the talk shows, kids, I'm getting outta here!
You're not going anywhere, slime ball.
- What? - Who is that?
Oh no!
You worm, you insect!
You murdering snake! You... you... man!
Did he miss a payment on his electric bill?
Something like that.
A shocking development today following a series of arrests
in the kidnapping of the chairman of OCP.
That's right, Bo, Vetrocomp president Harold Hammersmith
withdrew his bid for control of OCP citing personal conflicts.
Meanwhile, the chairman has emerged from his ordeal with an announcement of his own.
Frankly, I have a whole new appreciation of the difficulties
faced by the homemakers of America.
As a result, I'm declaring
a 15% discount on all OCP products for women.
Thank you.
15%.
Obviously it was a life-altering experience for the chairman.
- It was for Chip Chayken. - Let's hope so.
I did not know you could focus your energy that way.
Neither did I, to tell you the truth.
He just got me so mad.
Who says women can't handle power?